Marriage is not all about… Love

It’s been awhile since I posted, so here are some thoughts that I’ve pulled together from some of my recent conversations and interactions!

I’m assuming that the title of this post elicited some confusion, but let me explain first. These thoughts come from a conversation I had with my mom, and I wanted to flush them out more here, for all of you!

My mom and I were talking, and she asked how my marriage is going. It was a bit of a strange question, but I started on a monologue about how Dan is a good man, and he serves me and cares for me well. And how I appreciate how hard he works for me. And I appreciate how much he does around the house (he practically painted the whole apartment on his own in a week!). When I finished, my mom commented that I didn’t say anything about love. And she was right. I hadn’t mentioned that common word in my description about my marriage and my husband. Why?

Well, to start off, I am learning that love only goes so far in marriage. Sure, I love my husband dearly and deeply, and that hasn’t changed at all. But if I only loved my husband, but didn’t do anything, or if he only loved me but didn’t do anything, then things would fall apart! Right now, I’m learning that my attitude of love MUST inform my actions towards my husband, because if I don’t have actions of love, then I’m not truly doing what I need to do for my marriage. Stay with me while I keep explaining.

Dan and I don’t fight very often at all, which I am very grateful for, but most of the fights we have happen after we have seasons where we are not letting our love inform our activities. You see, I can say that I love my husband until I’m blue in the face, but if my love doesn’t change my behaviors, then we have a problem. BECAUSE I love my husband, I try do dishes late at night when I’m tired, I try to keep the coffee table clean because he doesn’t like clutter, I try go to bed earlier even if I’m not tired because Dan is tired, I try to get my lunch ready the night before so that I am not rushed and stressed in the morning (which always leads to me being a very not nice person…), and I try to do many other things to care for, serve, and support my husband. Now, I said “try” because I’m not very good at doing all these things to care for Dan, but a big part of marriage is constantly making the effort. And for me, it also includes making the effort without complaining. Our marriage works well because Dan has the same attitude towards me, and he is constantly trying to serve me in the same way. Our love for one another means we behave in a certain way!

Two verses come to mind when I think about this. First, James 2 talks about how useless faith is without deeds. We can gentle extend this to say the love without deeds is also useless. For either faith or love, if you say that you have it but your actions don’t look any different than someone without it, then it doesn’t make sense! However, 1 Corinthians 13 speaks into this on the other side, saying that if we don’t have love underneath our actions, then everything we do is meaningless! So either way, we need love, and we need it under, around, and in our marriage to inform what we do for one another!

So yes, my marriage is not all about love, but it is definitely full of love, informed by love, and able to endure because of love.

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